Daddy's Home

After the elation from my midday break through subsided and my hands were sore from patting myself on the back, I found myself stuck. What now? Over half of my time limited experiment had expired but only a third of my Fox News equation had been solved. Honestly, I was starting to feel the pressure. Monday rolled around and I was sweating it. Realizing that my Thursday and Friday were going to be consumed with testing and devoid of access to television. I had even less time left than I thought, 3 days to be exact. I tried to focus on the upside. I should be able to move through the daytime programing with ease, even amusement. I felt that my new found understanding would provide me the freedom and energy to tackle the primetime programing. I could not have been more wrong. By 4pm pst. the boredom had lulled me into a coma. Once you've figured out the appeal of the Fox News novelty, it ceases to be an amazing display of theatrical media manipulation. It becomes an exhausting 8 hour elementary school play full of mind numbingly simplistic and trite storylines. I slept like a baby. When I awakened my roommate had taken the opportunity to turn on Monday night football and refused to let me resume my "Fox News Nosh" as he put it. At that point, I agreed. Maybe it was time for a breather, time to clear my head. I spent the rest of the night watching football and the majority of the next day playing dominoes and chatting with friends. Anything but watching Fox News or talking politics. At 4:59pm est. I returned to The Foxhole. Knowing that I did not have the luxury of missing another primetime run, I clicked the power button. Before the screen could fill with color, the room filled with the voice of Bill O'Reilly. "CAUTION! YOU ARE ABOUT TO ENTER THE NO SPIN ZONE!" as the color formed around his hot dog finger in my face. Shit, that was unsettling. Like your Dad coming home from a hard day of work pissed, only to find your toys strewn all over the floor. "DAMN IT JOHNNY! CLEAN THIS UP RIGHT NOW!" hmmm, I felt that oh so familiar smile creep into the corners of my mouth as I made the connection. There is a distinctly different mood and tone to Fox News once the primetime programming kicks off. It's authoritative and condescending. Gone are the bleach blonds, metro-sexuals and pudgy nerds. The coddling is over. "This is serious" is the new message and you better listen up because now it's time to get your marching orders. "Daddy's home", and so is anyone else in the house who has a day job. Anyone who was out in the world of "pinheads" getting indoctrinated by the liberal reality. Just as you're getting in the door, saddle with the frustrations of the day, looking for someone to blame, here's Bill. Ready to stop the spin and tell you whose fault it is. He treats his guests like Fox News treats there daytime viewers, like idiots. The difference is that these "pinheads" are chastised, shouted at and insulted for not being smart enough to recognize that Bill / Daddy is in charge and has all the answers. For the daytime viewer, it's an exciting conformation of the illusion that they have been equipped with intellectual weapons all day long. They now the get to see O'Reilly use those weapons to blow the heads of liberal (pinhead) targets. This experience serves to strengthen the hold of Fox News' propaganda and focus the anger of it's subscribers. For the nine to fivers, Bill dispenses with the long winded soft soaping that fills the daytime hours and gives you "talking points" (yes, he actually calls them talking points) but contrary to popular belief, these are not Bill O'Reilly's talking points...they are yours. This is the ammunition you are supposed to us on these pinheads at work tomorrow, when they call you a nut. These are the thoughts you're supposed to post on facebook tomorrow, claiming them as your own. His is the attitude with which you are supposed to defend your views, while ignoring obvious contradictions. Once Bill O'Reilly has successfully reaffirmed everything you thought was right but were ridiculed for by those liberal pinheads you work or go to school with and your "talking points" are ready for regurgitation, Bill O'Reilly's work is done. You are sufficiently loaded with tomorrow's ammunition. He then happily turns you lose with a cocky smile and a head of steam. Now that intelligence and free will are no longer a factor, you are finally vacuous enough to internalize Sean Hannity. *dramatic nighttime soap opera music plays* to be continued...        

The Forest And The Trees

Just as I am considering self mutilation simply to break the monotony of 8 straight hours of Fox News, in which the news cycle repeats itself 3 times, I am slapped in the face with bucket load of cold water. It's time once again for the Glenn Beck Comedy Hour, on prior days this moment had been met with a deep sigh and subsequent eye roll, but not this time. This time it was a welcomed detraction from the mind numbing repetition that is common place on every 24 hour news channel by 2pm pst. If you've ever had a bucket of cold water thrown in you face while sleeping or daydreaming, you know it is a jarring, scary and disorientating experience. An experience identical to that of consuming Glenn Beck's opening soliloquie on any given day. Though as I said, on this day it was different. Instead of being annoyed by it's arrival and bracing myself for an inevitable barrage of bullshit, I settled in and welcomed the showmanship. That which made no applicable sense I brushed off as creativity, while accepting his connection of seemingly unrelated points as revelation. BAM! The fog was lifted, my orientation restored and I was overcome with epiphany. "This is how they do it!" I shouted in my empty room. This is how a person who is an otherwise normal constructive member of society can watch Fox News exclusively and Glenn Beck religiously, because you have to. That's the only why it makes sense or is even comprehensible. For a moment ignore "Fox And Friends" and "Fox News Primetime" (both aspects of Fox News that are still kicking my ass) and focus only on the 6am pst. to 2pm pst. programing (the most appropriate use of the word "programing" in written history). It is not a series of individual and independent shows, as they would have you believe. Fox News Desk, Megan Kelly, Shepard Smith, Neil Cavuto ect.  NO! It is one long show, a three act play if you will. In which story lines are created in the morning hours and developed throughout the day, not by actual events or even reflective analysis but by actors "anchors" and their playwrights "producers". Certainly there is some degree of this analogy in every news room, but here is where Fox is distinctly different. They flourish as a result of their viewers watching ONLY Fox News. Daily, as if watching a soap opera marathon, they draw you into storylines that always fall under the banner "Developing Now" carrying you from one hour to the next. Creating themes instead of reporting stories, giving performances instead of analysis, tying the audience to personalities instead of realities. All culminated, climaxed and ultimately molded into a narrative by none other than the master of manic depression, Glenn Beck himself. The true anchor of the daytime ship. The clean up batter if you will. He is responsible for scraping everything Fox Actors "anchors" through against the wall that day into a sweet mush of delicious brain food, then he is tasked with serving it up for your digestion before you can carefully inspect the ingredients. That's why it is nearly impossible for the average common sense thinking American to turn on Glenn beck in the middle of the day and have any idea what the hell he is talking about or where he's getting it from. It's like trying to watch the last 15 minutes of a soap opera you've never seen before. It makes such little since, you are forced to turn it off and dismiss it or (most likely) you are made so curious that you have to tune in tomorrow and try to figure it out. That's how they get you, I know...because that's how they got me.

Sunday, Bloody Sunday.

Although every other day of my week is riddled with unpredictability, my Sundays are written in stone. Gone are the days pressed shirts, crisp ties and shiny shoes. These are the days of the apple red onesy, the five o'clock shadow and the vodka tonic. Feet on the floor, ass on the couch, 6am sharp. So begins my Sunday and my "Sunday Shows" tradition. I kick off with Washington Journal on CSPAN, then I'm off to State Of The Union on CNN, followed by This Week on ABC (my favorite), then back to CNN for Fareed Zakaria, after which I hit the internet for Meet The Press, finally wrapping up what I like to call "The Sweet Six" with the rebroadcast of Fox News Sunday on of course Fox News. By this point, I am a solid 2 to 4 drink in and can laugh off whatever loonasy the Fox News Fraternity can the throw against the wall. I would be remiss if I did not add that I do enjoy Fox News Sunday (although that might be the booze talking). Seriously though, Chris Wallace is the best Fox News has to offer. His show is the most topically relevant, his interviews are entertaining but respectful and he is often fair although seldom balance. With that said, his show alone, on a Sunday morning, sober, is almost insufferable...and that's exactly what my "Sunday Shows" tradition was tasked to suffer on this fateful day. Wallace opens with an interview of Austin Goolsby, new Chairman of the Council of Economic Advisers to the president. Wallace was tough, his approach was far more debate antic than interview style, which is common place and fair play on Sunday morning political talk shows. I was impressed with Goolsby, he was able to articulate the message and drive his points home over the objections of Chris Wallace effectively. At which time, unlike his Fox News Colleagues, Wallace was willing to concede the point or at least  allow the better argument to be the last word. So far, so very good. With my confidence won, my trust extended, my expectations risen, I ran into the next segment at full speed, free of inhibition. Then, like Lucy with a football, he snatches it all away in one fatal swoop...NEWT GINGRICH. A man who hasn't worked in government for over a decade, whose claims to fame include creating The Contract With America, giving rise to the religious right while cheating on his wife and lambasting Bill Clinton at the same time, shutting down the government as Speaker of the House after which claiming credit for the balanced budget and economic prosperity of the 90's. A ridiculous choice to take counter point against Goolsby, considering Gingrich has no power to influence or even vote on legislation made even more dubious by his approach to an economic debate rife with facts, figures and statistical analysis on  a purely ideological basis. In short Newt Gingrich is full of shit (as usual) and offers glaringly irrelevant commentary while being presented as some sort of equivalent to Goolsby, even as he is clearly devoid of any degree in economics and offers nothing but ideological musing absent of hard numbers or factual analysis...and so escapes the "balanced" from the "fair and balanced" moniker. By this time I am usually bottoms up on my third drink and find such outrages wildly amusing, but not on this day. On this day I am sober and irritated. Knowing damn well that the worst is not over. I had no fourth drink to look forward to, only Bill Kristol and Brit Hume. The Herman Munster and Bart Simpson of Sunday morning politics. I won't bore you with their cartoonish portrayals as political scientists and common sense thinkers. Insufferable. Whether it be crisp suit, onesy pajama or hospital gown, never before had I payed so dearly for my sins as I have on this Fox News Sunday.       

Blackout

>11:38pm 9-11-2010 I have just returned from 14 hours of heart monitoring and magnetic scans, my day began at 5:30 this morning. Ironically that's about the same time my day began nine years ago on this very date. While I spent that day glued to the television, internet and telephone...this day was the polar opposite. Due to the type of equipment in use during my treatment, I has allowed no electronic devices for the duration. Including but not limited to televisions, computers and cell phones. Hence, I have nothing to report in the way of Fox News' coverage on the ninth anniversary of 9-11. In the spirit of unity and a commitment to solidarity on this day, I am going to give Fox News the benefit of the doubt. I assume I missed nothing but sobering accounts of that fateful day, framed by inspiring stories of heroics, wrapped up in an appeal to our highest ideals while calling into action our better selves. A hart warming tribute to Americans standing together in the face of terror and our undying compassion for our fellow man. Good night my friends, my we all live to love another day.

Gimme Shelter

4 gallons of water, 3 bananas, 2 watermelons, 1 mission...get back in the Fox Hole. I returned to the hospital this morning with only these items in my stomach and this mission on my heart. Knowing that my health and more importantly my blog was hanging in the balance, I took my three days of bed rest and dietary guild lines seriously. As a result, testing was a breeze. No complications, no high blood pressure and no Fox News until after I was officially admitted. By 2pm pst. admission was complete and I had returned to The Fox Hole, just in time to catch Judge Andrew Paolo Napolitano opening The Glenn Beck Show. Immediately a tickled smirk ran up my cheek,  I was delighted. Seemingly, the Judge had just granted me a pardon from what I expected to be the most torturous experience Fox had to offer. Of course my reprieve was short lived. Napolitano was only there to serve as the master of ceremonies in Glen Beck's Magical Mystery History Tour. M.C. Napo introduced a series of clips in which Big Top Glenn guided me through a circus of events that in his mind culminated with his holy anointment as successor to the legacy of Martin Luther King. A wrinkle in imaginary time I like to refer to as "The Civil Wrongs Movement" (I must stop here and resume blogging at some point tomorrow night. I just heard the "lights out!" call and they are going to cut my power any minute...I wonder if this is the kind of shit slaves had to put up with when sending messages to their loved ones on Sarah Palin's Underground Railroad (*_*)

Mandatory Evacuation

At exactly 8:10 this morning the Hospital doors swung open and there I stood. Ready, confident, even excited at the prospect for sharing the next 15 days with Fox and friends. I stood there looking forward to a hospital stay that less than 24 hours ago I was lying in bed dreading. "What an inspiring turn of events." I said to myself (out loud) as I observed the anxious faces crowding the waiting room. Clear the way, Elvis is in the building. First stop, vital signs. The nurses hurriedly collected my paperwork, ushered me into an exam room and began the poking, squeezing, prodding and drawing that comprises any complete physical. About an hour and a half later, once all my pertinent medical statistics had been recorded, I was encouraged to rest in the room on which my initials marked the door. This would be my room for the duration of the study and where they should be dropping of my lunch off any minute. I walked straight over to the bed and laid down, the exams had taken a bit out of me but I knew that resting wasn't on my (secret) agenda just yet. I glanced up at the flat screen, then over at the nightstand spotting the remote, I took a deep breath as I grabbed the controller and steadied myself for the mission. I clicked the power button and as if receiving  a wink and nod directly from fate...the channel was already tuned to Fox News. There, looking squarely  back at me was Megan Kelly prattling on about Obama's poll number and Republicans taking the house. Let me say that I am no stranger to Fox News nor are my Hollywood ears so delicate as to not appreciate a sound bit of criticism in reference to my politics. So Megan Kelly while often annoying, is not hard on the eyes and is nowhere near as hard on the ears as some of the primetime programming Fox has in store for me. From Megan Kelly right through to Shepard Smith I was cruising, piece of cake. Speaking of cake, I had also cruised right through my lunch and could see the nurse headed over for my next blood pressure reading. As I exposed my right arm, I turned off the sound on the television with my left in order to receive the nurses instructions. "Okay Mr. Davies, Blah blah blah, blah blah blah..." As the air began to drain from the blood pressure cuff, so too did the blood appear to drain from the face of my nurse. "Uhhh wow, well uhhh, your blood pressure has spiked considerably Mr. Davies. Your first reading this morning was 135 over 74 and now you are at 145 over 76. I'll have to get the doctor." Oh shit, really? You gotta be kidding. (I said with my inside voice) as the nurse exited the room. Now I'm starting to rethink the wisdom of conducting my own controlled psych experiment on the hospital's dime. The doctor enters with a look of serious concern on his face. He informed me that before I could be dosed with the heart medicine for which I had entered the study, I had to exhibit consistent ECG and blood pressure levels. He was discharging me for 3 days of bed rest in hopes that upon my return my blood pressure would have stabilized and only then could I begin dosing for the study. WOW, had Fox News just knocked me out in the first round? How could this be? If I can't handle Megan Kelly and Shepard Smith without loosing my shit, I'm in real trouble...not to mention I'm about to cost myself some much needed medication and compensation. Right then and there I found my resolve. Regardless of this set back, I shall stay true to the mission. I will return on Friday the 10th to the hospital for readmission and I will survive. Round 1 to Fox News, well played my faux news friends, I have clearly misunderestimated you....but never again. See you Friday, and this time I'll be bringing my "A" game.                          

The Quiet Before The Storm

I have consumed the last meal of my choosing and sipped my last goblet of the devil's nectar. For the next 15 days I will be turning my body over to science. The doctors have a meticulous regiment designed for me. No alcohol, no sex, no medication or drugs of any kind and no outside food. 2500 calories a day, minimal exercise and round the clock heart monitoring. While they observe my physical reaction to an experimental drug, I will be left alone to fend for my mental well being. I must admit my first thought upon agreeing to participate in this clinical trial was "Great! 15 days of getting paid, facebook and porn. Awww the good life." Not considering for a moment that there may be one sacrifice required that the doctors had not noted, a luxury that I had taken for granted all too often, an addiction so a part of my daily life that I assumed no one in there right mind would ever consider denying me...access to a free press. Yes, you read that right...access to a free press! I came across this shattering bit of news while casually thumbing though the 120 page agreement I had signed and conditions I agreed to. Right there on page 92, right behind the meals I would consume every day were the channels that would be made available on the flat screen in my hospital room. HBO check, AMC check, ESPN check, CSPAN errrrr, MSNBC errrrr, CNN errrrr, FOX NEWS noooooooooooooooooooooo! Yes, Fox "News" is the only news channel listed. How am I supposed to have any idea what is going on in the real world? What if some history shaping event takes place, my only up to the minute reporting will be provided by the cartoon network of cable news. The anxiety of this possibility alone  is enough to send my heart monitor spiking into the stratosphere. I had some serious last minute reassessing to do. Was the risk really worth the reward? What good is a strong heart if it is pumping blood into an atrophied brain? Is this how seemingly well adjusted thoughtful people become propaganda spewing intellectual turnips without rhyme or reason overnight? Am I in the new Tuskegee Experiment??? Well, I'll be damned if I'm going out like that. If I'm going, I'm going with my eyes open, my hands on the wheel and my foot on the gas. Not only am I going to engage in this "clinical trial"...I'm going to take control of it. In the immortal words of George Walker Bush "Bring it on!" Do what you will with my body, doctors. I will be conducting my own experiment in the science of mind. I am going to turn the channel on my flat screen to your beloved Fox News, not just for updates or breaking news (Fox Alerts). I am going to turn it there and leave it there for 24 hours a day, 7 days week, for 2 weeks and a day. I will live, eat, breath and shit Fox News. No newspapers, no internet blogs, no talk radio, no cheating. My only outlet for thoughts, feelings and political analysis well be this blog. It is a one way street from me to you while I'm inside. I will not be reading your comments until I emerge.  Fox News will be my sole connection to the outside world. They report, I confide.  Starting September 7 at 8:30am pst. I am officially In The Fox Hole.