Daddy's Home

After the elation from my midday break through subsided and my hands were sore from patting myself on the back, I found myself stuck. What now? Over half of my time limited experiment had expired but only a third of my Fox News equation had been solved. Honestly, I was starting to feel the pressure. Monday rolled around and I was sweating it. Realizing that my Thursday and Friday were going to be consumed with testing and devoid of access to television. I had even less time left than I thought, 3 days to be exact. I tried to focus on the upside. I should be able to move through the daytime programing with ease, even amusement. I felt that my new found understanding would provide me the freedom and energy to tackle the primetime programing. I could not have been more wrong. By 4pm pst. the boredom had lulled me into a coma. Once you've figured out the appeal of the Fox News novelty, it ceases to be an amazing display of theatrical media manipulation. It becomes an exhausting 8 hour elementary school play full of mind numbingly simplistic and trite storylines. I slept like a baby. When I awakened my roommate had taken the opportunity to turn on Monday night football and refused to let me resume my "Fox News Nosh" as he put it. At that point, I agreed. Maybe it was time for a breather, time to clear my head. I spent the rest of the night watching football and the majority of the next day playing dominoes and chatting with friends. Anything but watching Fox News or talking politics. At 4:59pm est. I returned to The Foxhole. Knowing that I did not have the luxury of missing another primetime run, I clicked the power button. Before the screen could fill with color, the room filled with the voice of Bill O'Reilly. "CAUTION! YOU ARE ABOUT TO ENTER THE NO SPIN ZONE!" as the color formed around his hot dog finger in my face. Shit, that was unsettling. Like your Dad coming home from a hard day of work pissed, only to find your toys strewn all over the floor. "DAMN IT JOHNNY! CLEAN THIS UP RIGHT NOW!" hmmm, I felt that oh so familiar smile creep into the corners of my mouth as I made the connection. There is a distinctly different mood and tone to Fox News once the primetime programming kicks off. It's authoritative and condescending. Gone are the bleach blonds, metro-sexuals and pudgy nerds. The coddling is over. "This is serious" is the new message and you better listen up because now it's time to get your marching orders. "Daddy's home", and so is anyone else in the house who has a day job. Anyone who was out in the world of "pinheads" getting indoctrinated by the liberal reality. Just as you're getting in the door, saddle with the frustrations of the day, looking for someone to blame, here's Bill. Ready to stop the spin and tell you whose fault it is. He treats his guests like Fox News treats there daytime viewers, like idiots. The difference is that these "pinheads" are chastised, shouted at and insulted for not being smart enough to recognize that Bill / Daddy is in charge and has all the answers. For the daytime viewer, it's an exciting conformation of the illusion that they have been equipped with intellectual weapons all day long. They now the get to see O'Reilly use those weapons to blow the heads of liberal (pinhead) targets. This experience serves to strengthen the hold of Fox News' propaganda and focus the anger of it's subscribers. For the nine to fivers, Bill dispenses with the long winded soft soaping that fills the daytime hours and gives you "talking points" (yes, he actually calls them talking points) but contrary to popular belief, these are not Bill O'Reilly's talking points...they are yours. This is the ammunition you are supposed to us on these pinheads at work tomorrow, when they call you a nut. These are the thoughts you're supposed to post on facebook tomorrow, claiming them as your own. His is the attitude with which you are supposed to defend your views, while ignoring obvious contradictions. Once Bill O'Reilly has successfully reaffirmed everything you thought was right but were ridiculed for by those liberal pinheads you work or go to school with and your "talking points" are ready for regurgitation, Bill O'Reilly's work is done. You are sufficiently loaded with tomorrow's ammunition. He then happily turns you lose with a cocky smile and a head of steam. Now that intelligence and free will are no longer a factor, you are finally vacuous enough to internalize Sean Hannity. *dramatic nighttime soap opera music plays* to be continued...